Movie Review: Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I

Andrea Zanaglio, News Editor

You’re cordially invited to the wedding of the century! More like the year’s best unintentional comedy.

The “Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I” revolves around the marriage of the dreamy, vegetarian vampire Edward Cullen and awkward, barley of legal age to marry Bella Swan.

However, this film can really be separated into two main parts: Ninety-nine percent being make-out sessions between the newlyweds and one percent being Bella in a coma.

Now, if you are lost by what I have presented to you at this point, then you will most likely be lost throughout this entire movie. Even I, who have read all of the Twilight books, felt this movie had no flow whatsoever and a very thin plot going for it.

In the opening sequence, we witness everyone from Jacob Black, who, of course, rips off his shirt to transform into a werewolf within ten seconds of screen time, to Bella’s father and mother receiving their invites to the wedding.

Cut to reintroductions of the Cullen clan and secret glances between the couple-to-be with a majority of the shots being ridiculous close-ups. Every close-up was so close that I could count the number of pores on each actor’s face.

The wedding day comes and goes fairly quickly, but not without yet another seemingly endless make-out session at the altar. Shifting from the wedding scene to the honeymoon, Edward takes Bella to Esme Island, a secluded island off the coast of Rio.

Immediately upon arriving, the couple ends up in the bedroom, staring at each other with a plain white bed sitting in between them. Gee, I wonder what they were thinking. Instead of jumping right into bed, they end up in the ocean, but it is not long before they are back inside with Edward literally breaking the bed.

Queue random scenes of Bella and Edward making-out, playing chess, swimming, making out some more, playing chess again, laying around in bed, making out yet again, and squeezing in one more game of chess. Sound drawn out and pointless? It is as is much of this mess of a movie.

Then comes the real shocker: Bella is pregnant. Gasp! The cleaning lady, yes, the cleaning lady, who can only speak Spanish, which Bella does not know a word of except “death” apparently, confirms that this being rapidly growing inside of her will kill her. So, off the couple rushes back home where Carlisle, Edward’s creator and adoptive father, tends to her.

From this moment on, the movie moves sluggishly along as we watch Bella deteriorate to an anorexic looking state with some scenes involving the wolves thrown in, including a cartoonish sequence in which the wolves speak to each other in their normal, somewhat distorted voices. This particular scene seemed to come out of nowhere like it was from a completely different movie and had me laughing out loud. I honestly have no idea how anyone in the theater watched it with a straight face.

If it were not for the music, there is no way anyone would be able to take this movie seriously. It is incredibly laughable on so many levels that include the awful acting of Taylor Lautner and graphics that went back to the quality of the first film.

After Bella gives birth to the creepiest looking baby – you’ll understand what I mean when Jacob imprints on her – she essentially is in a coma for the rest of the movie. Edward injects her with his venom, and it becomes a waiting game to see if she lives to become a vampire or dies.

Everyone held their breath as the camera got as close as possible to Bella’s eyes. Bam! They flash open as red as blood – scary or just incredibly predictable.

In short, if you’re a fan of the book and looking for a serious adaption, this movie will surely disappoint you. However, if you’re looking for a laugh out loud comedy, “Breaking Dawn Part I” will have you howling.